What is Emotional Trauma?
Trauma can be of different types and different forms. It can be either an event or pain that you try hard to overlook.
There can be either collective trauma or individual trauma.
Collective trauma can be either war, terrorism, an accident, or a catastrophic weather episode.
Individual traumas can be the pain that can be either individual such as threats, assaults, abuse, family strife, and physical or mental boundary violations. These Individual traumas can be experienced silently in their own personal space.
When you feel traumatized, there would be a driving force internally to make it safe and cared especially by your partner. This driving force can be so intense that, it could become your prime central focus.
In this scenario, you feel to keep an effort to soothe yourself and look for a way out of that uncomfortable place you are in.
If in that scenario, you want your partner to reassure you, support you and help you deal with your pain so that you can feel better will healing. But sometimes the relationships may be unrealistic or disproportionate to what you may expect from your partner.
Trauma is so overwhelming and creates such internal chaos that it distorts your ability to gauge what your partner can realistically offer.
This may be in part because they have been traumatized too, whether or not either of you realizes it. Not only does your trauma affect how you perceive the comfort you receive, but your partner’s trauma affects their ability to provide what you’re looking for as you seek out safety and security.
when you are in a traumatic phase, your trust in how things are supposed to be is drastically altered. This way your sense of safety and your connection to others are negatively impacted.
When you are quite traumatized by the past impact. You may feel hopeless when encountering the new one. Understandably, there’s a need within you to secure your foundation and establish or re-establish a sense of stability in the world.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or one that’s established, you may be looking to your partner to do the impossible: fill the void created by trauma.
You might carry the feeling of vulnerability, exposure, and pain. it’s crucial to remember that your partner comes from a different background, life experience, and has different communication patterns from you.
They exist in a different body and have a different brain.
How to get out of the spin of trauma?
The things that are on you is to communicate with your partner and to describe as best you can what you’re feeling and why.
Try to resist slipping into a thought process of expecting them to “just know” what you are feeling and experiencing.
While your pain may be all-consuming, and those thoughts in your head may be very loud, understand that these feelings belong to you.
You might have to power through your own trauma just long enough to help your partner help you to feel better.
let me give you an example:
When people talk about their disappointment, it’s often clear that the extent to which they feel disappointed is not about the partner’s failure to soothe, but about the trauma that preceded it.
You don’t want them to feel your outward anger about what they did wrong – this just perpetuates a cycle of distrust. Your partner is working hard in their own way to forget and maintain the connection. It’s so profoundly important to recognize that your hope for what your partner can give likely far exceeds what they’re capable of giving. This is no one’s fault..(source)
In approaching your partner to talk about your painful experiences, rather than continue to build a case for disappointment, frustration, and distrust, start a conversation by showing gratitude for what they have done, and acknowledging that it must be so hard for them at times to figure out what you need. Communicate your needs very clearly to them.
Creating a healthy dialogue around expectations will help you discern whether or not there is enough of investment by both partners to work on and progress in the relationship.
Keep in mind that it is more important to acknowledge your partner’s efforts. Even when they don’t succeed, knowing they are trying to help you through your pain is the most validating contribution they can make to your recovery.
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